From "When A Man Loves A Woman" Chapter 13.
Alia's take-off was so a wake-up call for me. Until then I had just thought Alia was just being stupid and, sooner or later she would figure things out. I was not sure to what extend it was that Alia was fascinated with Gary or it was that she was frustrated with my disability; but it seemed to me a very likely explanation was that Gary, in his seduction game had used my disability to open a crack between Alia and me. At that point, it was clear to me Gary had been trying to conquer Alia and had determined that, in order to have Alia fall in love with him, he would also first need to destroy Alia's love for me. My visual disability was then such an obvious weakness of mine that he was not going to miss to attack. Now, I was already fairly aware of all that and, I could not say anything that had happened those last two days had substantially changed my views of what was going on; but what I had been completely missing all that time is that Alia would simply never get a clue Gary was only playing with her. That Gary had absolutely no interest in starting a new relationship with Alia and was totally fake was so obvious that I could have never imagined Alia would simply not figure it out. While there was no doubt in my mind Alia was being stupid, where I had all along been dead wrong was that she would figure it out before too late. I guess the key issue I had been missing and would still not be able to fully comprehend for the many months to come, was that it was simply not a matter of Alia's intelligence; but Alia simply could not help completely falling in love. Alia, indeed, never chose to fall in love. Yes, I do think she can be blamed for accepting to play the game of love, but, so to say, that was the last thing she remembers (...before entering that state of stupidity). Fact of the matter is Alia had already lost the game even before it started; because there was never any chance Alia could win that game. Alia was under Gary's spell from the very beginning. As she explained in a love letter she wrote, she became totally infatuated with that disgusting asshole from the very beginning. For all those weeks we were at gary's workshop, she was on this foolish quest trying to conquer him; when all what was happening was that the asshole was slowly sedating and subduing her until she would be ready to be gobbled down and discarded. I could say I regret Alia never asked for help; but I would fail to understand she never could, because, from the very beginning, she was not in control anymore; Gary was. As a matter of fact, Alia was well aware what kind of asshole Gary is. It was, in fact, Alia who told me about the stickers on Gary's car's windshield, advertising him as the disgusting womanizer he is: "so many women, so little time", "virginity?,don't worry, there is a cure". As a matter of fact, Alia had to explain to me what was a womanizer! Alia knew she was sliding down the cliff; but could not do anything to stop. It was like she had been bewitched; she was helplessly in love. What really breaks my heart is to think Alia never had the courage, the honesty or the heart to tell me she was breaking up with me, because she was in love with Gary. I really believe that had sufficed. I really believe that had made a significant difference. I really believe if she had told me she was in love with Gary, I had been able to put our marriage under life support and revive it from there. However, she has always denied falling in love with Gary and it was only until two years later that I found her love letter and became fully aware. I have always wondered if she perhaps actually wrote that letter for me. I have always wondered why did she write that letter, but never gave it to Gary and left it instead in my backpack. Perhaps she wrote that letter and left it in my backpack, as the only way she could see to let me know. It is, however, also quite possible that she just left the letter there, because she just never found enough courage to gave it to Gary.
That first night alone at Gary's workshop, all what I thought I new was that Alia was totally fascinated with Gary and, compared to him, I now looked so small and worthless to her. I thought, somehow I needed to open her eyes, because, clearly, she was otherwise not going to figure it out by herself. If the night before (when she informed me, she was going to leave me, because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets) I had told her I did not have anything to say, because I did not know what was that I could say; now, it had become clear I better figure out something to say to her, or I was going to lose her forever. So, when she came back to the workshop with Gary the next day, as soon as I saw her, I asked her if we could talk. I have always felt intrigued, why she seemed to agree that was the right thing to do and even appeared as she liked I suggested it. I have many times thought, it was like perhaps, deep inside, she was hoping I would be able to get her out of the hole she had got herself into. It was like, deep inside, she had one last hope Monkey would still be able to save Bunny. Unfortunately, at that time, I was missing the critical issue that Alia was helplessly in love. So, I thought I had to reason and explain to her she was being stupid. Now it is fairly clear to me it was to no avail, because, deep inside, Alia was probably already aware of it; she just could not help it. These days it is fairly clear to me it had been of better help - what Alia probably needed was - love and understanding. These days it is easy to conclude, it had been better if I had told Alia, she was being stupid, but I loved her and I would still be there for her, whenever she got out of her stupidity, to continue loving her. At that time, however, betrayed as I had been, heartbroken as I was, it was not reasonable to expect me to say anything like that, and I did not; what I was about to tell her was actually closer to the opposite.
I suggested we go to some beach to have the best atmosphere possible to talk. Alia was cool with the idea and drove us to the closest beach. From our discussion the night before, I had been thinking, if Alia was going to blame me for our marriage's failure, even if it was only partly, at the very least she needed to point out and explicate what is that I had done wrong. So, I did not have to think much to know where to start . In response, Alia only came up with three really ridiculous instances, particularly the first two, where she argued I had been wrong. The first referred to a day, a couple of weeks earlier, where I offered to cut her a slice of watermelon. However, by the time I brought her the slice, she had already gone outside to work on the car. So, I waited there for a few minutes, standing under the sun with the watermelon in my hand, until she would come out from underneath the car. However, as that did not make a whole lot of sense to me, I decided to go back inside and eat myself that slice; thinking that I would just cut Alia another one whenever she would be ready. However, when she came inside and saw me finishing her watermelon, she got seriously upset.
In her second complaint, Alia argued, during those weeks at the workshop, I would never help prep'ing or cooking dinner. That was, however, not true. I had actually offered help many times; but she would simply not accept it saying: "don't worry sweetie, I really do not mind at all, I can do it while I am watching this show anyway". I could have insisted as much as I wanted, but she would simply not accept my help.
The third example was a bit more meaningful, as it referred to our argument in Iona NP. However, I really do not think there was anything really wrong in anything I did in Iona. In Iona Alia was being stupid and there was not much I could do about it. Alia herself admitted she had been an asshole; although I would rather say she was simply stupid. However, Alia argued she had already told me at the beginning of our relationship, whenever she would be an asshole, I had to hug her and tell her I love her. But, I pointed out, "I actually did!!" She, however, insisted I did it too late. But that is not true either. In any case, I never beat her up, kick her in the kidneys or anything similar, like she would start alleging years later.
At that time it was becoming clear to me we were not getting anywhere; as the problem was simply not in whatever I had done wrong. I, therefore, started to try to talk some sense to Alia; try to explain her she was being stupid.
I asked her what was there between her and Gary; did she love him? She answered> "No". She explained she liked him; but was just a good friend. "Friend...", she said. Well, we all know that in this kind of situations the concept of 'friendship' usually receives some really broad meaning. In this kind of situations, where one of the parties is in love, but the other is only playing, the one who is playing usually finds it useful to offer some beautiful friendship, which the other party, the one in love, will not be able to reject, despite of how heartbreaking it is going to be, in order to avoid a total dismissal and defeat. I, therefore, tried to investigate a bit more to what extend Alia was being honest to herself describing Gary as a "good friend", and asked her how far had they gone in their signs of affection. I did not find it useful to ask about sex; but, for example, wanted to know if they had kissed each other. Alia answered again: "No". They had only hugged. That to me seemed enough to confirm, she indeed loved him. The image, again, of Alia lovingly hugging that asshole and him faking some care, with his arms around her, pretending he is trying to comfort her, after he had just intentionally and designingly broken her heart in pieces... is simply revolting. I could not understand how Alia was not able to see she was being stupid. I told Alia if she could not see Gary had something to do with her decision to break up our marriage, she was more blind than what I was. Then, Alia's shocking reply was> "I know I am a fool!". Still to this day I cannot believe I did not catch on that one. If I had ever hoped to get an opportunity to open a crack from where to spark any reaction in Alia that could have any chance to stop her dive into emptiness, that was it. Not only Alia seemed to be aware she was being carried away by some foolish thrill, but it seemed she was even inviting me to inquire about it. It certainly stroke me to hear Alia admit she was a fool. I remained there for a couple of seconds processing that input; but finally let it drift away and will forever hate myself for it. I cannot believe I did not, at the very least, ask her what she meant; why did she think she was being a fool. I knew Alia well and I was very well aware she had this adolescent way of arguing, where she would never admit being wrong, even when she knew it. I think I simplyh assumed that would be again the case. She may have conceded she was being a fool for falling in love with some playboy who did not care for her; but it was very unlikely she was going to admit she had decided to give up our marriage just because she had fallen in love. While the former referred to her feelings (which she could not control), the latter involved her judgement. From the way Robyn had raised Alia, she hated and could never tolerate having her intelligence questioned. All this really deep and thoughtful analysis is, however, completely futile. Fact of the matter was our marriage was in life support and I needed to do something to bring it back to life. At that point, I certainly could not expect it would be easy. Undoubtedly, it had already been an enormous step forward, if Alia had admitted she had fallen in love with Gary. I have no excuse, since I have always complained Alia never had the courage, the honesty or the heart to tell me she had fallen in love with Gary. I truly believe it had been much easier to manage and steer our marriage out of that crisis, if I had had some good understanding Alia was in love. I think, at the very least, I had been less likely to make some mistakes managing the crisis. It is then unforgivable I did not, at the very least, ask her what she meant; why did she think she was being a fool.
The key issue I will never know, however, is why Alia still decided to give up our marriage, even after she had found out Gary had no plan to start a relationship with her. It turns out, the previous Friday, when Alia told me she was going to leave me because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, she had first gone in the morning to talk to Gary at his home (knowing Monica would be at work). Supposedly, it was only later, sometime in the afternoon, that she went to some beach to think about what to do with her marriage. It seems like asshole Gary had gain such total control over Alia's mind, that he had even been able to convince her I was so completely useless that our marriage was not worth keeping. It is, however, very difficult to make hypothesis, because Alia was a total mess. It seems like Gary had brought Alia back to the worst of her adolescent years: to the anger, the depression and the self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. From our discussion the previous day, it had become clear to me Alia was not going to take pity on me and she was not going to change her decision based on any concern for me. Instead I needed to make her reflect on the consequences her decision was going to have on her own life. We were looking ahead for the best part of our travels across Africa. We were even starting to dream continuing our adventures into Asia. Afterwards, we were going to move to Hawaii, because Alia loves the beach. I knew well how much Alia has always dreamed with the day she would build a family with "many beautiful, and intelligent children". Alia just loves children! She had work so hard and was so close to all that; I just could not understand how she was, all of a sudden, ready to give it altogether up. Alia looked down and said: "I don't deserve to have children". I tried to explain to her that was false and did not make any sense. But Alia's statement was truly heartbreaking and left me basically speechless. If Alia had given up all hopes of ever having children, there was clearly nothing I would be able to come up with that would get her interest. Alia had indeed become again self-loathing and self-destructive.
Now it is easy to see that what Alia needed was love and understanding. If there had ever been a time, where her recipe to respond with hugs and love to her anger and hate was recommended, that was it. Alia was in love and under that state it was hopeless to reason with her. I wish I had realized all what I could do is to tell her I love her and would be there to continue loving her whenever she starts waking up from Gary's spell. While I was able to understand it was hopeless to reason with Alia, I was myself so heartbroken and desperate that I did not have the energy to start planning on what would be the best strategy to follow to revive our marrage the day Alia would come back to her senses. I could only find motivation to express my complaint and despondency. It was indeed really sad and distressing that after all what we had been through, all what we had fought, all what we had shared and all what we had accomplish, Alia was blowing everything up for some stupid adolescent fancy. For me it was especially heartbreaking to experience that after all what I had to endure, all the blazes of adolescence Alia put me through, all the tantrums I had to endure, all the times Alia got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, all the times Alia complained she could not help feeling she was not good enough for me; now I was being dumped because, all of a sudden, she had concluded I was not good enough for her.
Particularly during the first two years of our relationship, it was rather frequent Alia would get mad at me for some really stupid reason. At first it was disappointing and discouraging to learn that was a part of Alia's personality; but I would soon conclude it was all a consequence of Robyn's terrible parenting. Alia excused herself explaining she was a bit crazy. She was really worried I would get scared with that and I would stop loving her and run away. But I told her I rather thought she was just childish. Alia got really confused with my reply and was not sure she liked it; but I explained it was a more benign interpretation: while there was not a clear cure to mental disorders, I thought I knew a way out of a childish personality; we just needed to correct Robyn's terrible parenting. Since I was taking the blame off of Alia and putting it instead on Robyn, I was admitting I needed to help Alia and work with her.; and we did work together. I pledge to myself I would never submit to Alia's tantrums. I would endure them all the way, until she figured out she would not get rewarded for them. In fact, after the storm, Alia would feel really horrible knowing she had hurt me for some childish fancy or to satisfy her ego. Alia is a very affectionate person and needs a lot of love. She then felt really horrible thinking she was irreversibly losing a bit of my respect and love for her, everytime she was getting mad at me for some stupid reason. I so realized it would be a very big mistake if I ever rebuke her for her immature behavior. I knew Alia was already inflicting herself enough pain and, given how fragile she is, adding even more to it could have long-lasting traumatic effects. I certainly did not want that to happen. Alia was the woman I had chosen to share my life with, the woman I hoped one day would become the mother of my children, she was definitely my best friend; it had therefore been really stupid if I had wanted her to feel some really deep pain. But, most of all, Alia, aside from her rage attacks, was otherwise adorable and, hence, I loved her with all my heart. The reason was actually very simple: nobody else (except, perhaps, my mother) has ever loved me and believed in me as much as her.
It was not easy at all; we had some really tough times. But we worked hard together and succeeded. Without a doubt, it was an amazing accomplishment. If I just read Alia's emails of 2010, when we first met, and compared the anxiety and instability (to say the least) she exhibits there, with the sensibility and sweetness of her emails of 2012, after our travels across Central America and Europe; the change is prodigious and admirable. In all honesty, I have to admit I have always felt proud of my part in that improvement. It was indeed not quite straightforward to understand it was not really Alia's fault if she was so immature or crazy. It was actually very difficult, really stressful and exhausting to endure Alia's tantrums, to be so often submitted to such levels of anger, hate and madness,and accept to just suck it up. With time I ended up concluding the argument whether Alia was crazy or just immature was rather futile, since both explanations are not mutually-excluding. These days it is clear to me, Robyn's terrible parenting caused both, Alia becoming immature and capricious, as well as Alia starting doing drugs as young as 11 years old. Without a doubt, Alia's early use of drugs in turn affected her mental health. Whatever the reasons, there were times where Alia got totally out of control, and when it happened, it was really hard to endure. In St. Michel, for example, she got so mad at me because I did not like the way she had arranged my sleeping pads, that she gave me a black eye. In Swakopmund she screamed at me she felt like stabbing me like twenty times, just because I critisized she had supported the mechanics in their argument against me. However, as hurtful as it was, if she was not in control of her anger and emotions, it was not that reasonable (or at least not very useful) to rebuke her for her rage attacks, once she had already calmed down.
At the end of the day, it was all worth it, because Alia proved me right. Alia had the insight to realize getting her way or satisfying her ego was not worth losing her husband's love and respect. The deep remorse she felt after each tantrum was by itself enough to help her slowly learn how to control her emotions.
But now Alia was blowing everything up and even wanted me to start thinking about all what I may have done wrong. I had never had any problem admitting making mistakes, but the three examples Alia had just come up with were simply ridiculous. Instead, I had always remembered an instance, where I had always felt bad for how I reacted to Alia's rage. It had been in Monaco, we had had a really bad day and Alia had been a total idiot. However, she had finally calmed down and was, in fact, already in that stage where she was feeling really ashamed. But I was not sensitive to her struggles and was instead very rude to her. So I thought I would now tell her abbout it; but before I wanted to remind her all we were coming from. I wanted to remind her how difficult we had had it from the very beginning, all what we went through, all what we had to fight and all what we accomplished. I wanted to remind her how she had to leave everything (her family, her friends, her school and her country) and come with me to Mexico, because she could not do it alone in Montana anymore, how we traveled for the next two years and all the times she gave me hell for the most stupid reasons, how we fought during those two years so that I would be allowed back in Montana, and how we finally succeeded; how we overcame all the obstacles in our way, how we were able to get my green card application approved, how she learned to control herself and how we were finally able to return to Montana so that she could finish her forestry degree. It was then so sad to see it all die, all what we had accomplished, all those amazing moments we shared together, just for some adolescent fancy.
I think that was all very reasonable, but what I failed to realize was that Alia herself was feeling horrible. Gary had just broken her heart in hundred pieces and she had good reasons to feel stupid for falling in love with a player like him. Moreover, although she will never be able to admit it, I am sure she was feeling horrible for stabbing her marriage to death. It clearly speaks for itself that from the very first moment she told me she was going to leave me, she immediately started looking for ways she could blame me for our marriage's death: she was feeling an immense pain and remorse.
I Know for a fact she felt her marriage was the most fundamental asset and accomplishment in her life. Alia's father committed suicide when she was a baby. Since then Alia has been submitted to Robyn's torment, leading her to start doing drugs at the age of eleven. She then had a really difficult adolescence filled with depression, anger and suicidal thoughts. For those or whatever other reasons, Alia has always felt some kind of sick and macabre attraction for all those concepts of death and self-destruction. She had long felt cursed and always feared she would eventually screw up everything and would not be able to escape from her fatal fate. Back in 2010, when she was totally enamored with me, she wrote me saying: "I had some deep fear someday I will betray you." She wrote me those words the very same time she told me she had been having suicidal thoughts because she could not stay away from me anymore. For some reason I never really understood, Alia seemed to like warning me about her macabre thoughts. One of Alia's favorite songs was "El Amante de Fuego", by the Spanish band Mecano. The song is about a woman possessed by some demon, who pushes her to put her house on fire with her lover inside. Alia used to tell me she sometimes felt like the woman in the song. It may sound weird, but, when we arrived to Cape Town, it is like she could feel the moment was coming and her fate was close. During those first weeks in Cape Town (as a matter of fact I believe it was around the time we first met Gary), Alia got some song stuck in her head and would not stop singing it. It was: "Dominique, Dominique", a 1963 song by The Singing Nun, nothing like Alia's favorite music. Alia told me (she seemed to believe, probably from Asylum horror show) the song was about a woman, who ends up getting locked up in some sort of bedlam of perversion and insanity. Alia was so convinced of her tragic fate that nothing took her fears away. As well as her marriage was going, she kept tormenting herself worrying that at any time the tiniest perturbation may trigger an unstopable chain of events that would cause our love's demise. Alia pointed out to me an episode of the New Zealand comedy "Flight of the Conchords", where, from the seemingly insignificant purchase of a cup, two men go through a complete ordeal, that puts them at the brink of collapse. Alia's surrender to asshole Gary then very much feels like the self-fulfilled prophecy: if she was doomed anyway, then better put an end to the agony once and forever.
The way I see it, throughout all those times that she got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, she immediately felt horrible about it, because she could see she was losing one more bit of her husband's love and, with that, she was moving a step closer to her marriage's death. She had always looked at me and asked for reassurance I still loved her. This time she had done something more than getting mad at me for some stupid reason; this time she had gone all the way betraying me and telling me she was going to leave me. She will never be able to admit it, but I think, when she willingly accepted to come to the beach to talk, deep inside she wanted to know if I still loved her and there was any way back. When I started reminding her about all those times she got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, the answer to the question became clear: No.
While I feel totally justified for complaining, expressing my despondency and, therefore, reminding Alia of all those times she hurt me, I regret I did it. I wish I had not done it, because it simply did not serve any good purpose. OK, it allowed me to vent out, but it had otherwise disastrous consequences. It is not that I believe she may have reversed her decision to leave me, if I had told her I loved her; I am pretty sure she had not, but, by expressing my complaint and, that way, depicting her as an awful person, everything blew up. As a matter of fact, the night before, after Alia took off with Gary, leaving me alone in the workshop, I started thinking hard what I could do. I realized it was critical we talk. I also thought I would suggest to her that we go stay at a motel. It was clear to me Gary was having a poisoning effect on Alia's mind, he had basically been bombarding her mind with hateful thoughts against me all those weeks at the workshop, and I should get him off of her. I needed to be closer to Alia, and Gary needed to stay away as far as possible from her. I am not sure Alia had accepted, but, when I went ahead with my rebuke, I blew up that bridge.
I said earlier it would be really stupid to hurt the woman I had chosen to share my life with and wanted to be the mother of my children. Well, that is exactly what I did, when I reminded her of all those times she had got mad at me because of the most stupid reasons. I cannot even say I did not expect to hurt Alia with that. The truth is there had been several times where I felt aggravated and felt like reminding Alia what she had done to me in the past and the patience I had had with her. But I always avoided doing so, because I knew it had hurt her very deeply and, given how fragile and affectionate she is, feared it could be really traumatic and irreversibly disrupt our love. It seemed to me, however there was now little love left to cherish and, quite frankly, I was feeling myself way too heartbroken and betrayed that I would want to spend much time caring for Alia's heart. It is also true, however, I really did not expect my words would utterly destroy Alia as apparently they did. If I had known, I had avoided saying them; but since I did, I regret them. It, however, brings me back to the question: if Alia did not love me anymore, why did she get so deeply hurt by my rebuke? In other words, it turns out, as far as that beach, she still loved me; because, otherwise, why would she care at all for anything I could say?
I was there for quite a while going through all those episodes where Alia had got mad at me for some stupid reason: our first argument, still in Montana, was because I suggested she raises her bicycle seat. In Comitan she got mad at me because she did not know the answer to our host's question of where we were planning to go next. In Dresden it was because I told her she was splashing water out of the bathtub. In Durmitor she got mad because I asked her to cut the pineapple on a plate, rather than on a cutting board... Alia remained there listening quietly to all that. Earlier she had tried to argue what it was that I had done wrong. Now she had to endure hearing what was that she had done wrong. I have always found a general agreement Alia has real struggles taking any kind of negative feedback. That is of no surprise, since she was not used to it at all, as Robyn has never done anything but to praise her. I therefore can imagine how hard it should have been for Alia to listen to me. Eventually she could not take it any longer and she screamed at me to stop. Then she ran away. Alia was in immense pain. Now I know that was the most hurtful moment in Alia's life. She needed to get out of there, because she felt she would otherwise die. When I first met Alia, she was a suicidal person, who hated herself, because she thought she was an awful person. But I told her she was not. I comforted and loved her, because I thought she was a wonderful human being. Six years later she had killed that love and I was indeed telling her she was an awful person.
After a while, as I expected, Alia came back. She was hoping I would not continue with my discourse; but I was not attentive to what Alia was going through. I thought she was just mad, like she had been many times before, and that was just one more example of her total inability to accept any criticism. Also, I still had not got to that episode in Monaco, that I wanted to offer her as an instance where I was not proud of my reaction to her madness, and, most of all, I wanted to finish pointing out how we had been able to overcome all those difficulties and how heartbreaking it was that, after all what we had fought and all what we had accomplished, she would just blow it all up for some adolescent rush. Thus, I continue where I had left off, like a car resumes its drive after the light turns green.
I wish I had at least realized Alia was at the end of her energies and I really needed to wrap up. But I guess I had accumulated quite some resentment, I was myself hurt, and I needed to get it all out. Unfortunately, I was getting into that horrible day that ended in Monaco, when Alia finally could not hold it anymore and exploded. She repeatedly screamed at me to stop and ran away again. I thought she needed to take some air, but would obviously soon return. But she did not. Time passed and she was not coming back. The sun was setting and it was getting cold. As I was getting worried Alia might not return, I thought I would go look for her. I did not want to leave the bench where we had been talking, because she might not be able to find me anymore, should she ever come back. I was hoping she may be in the car; but was not quite sure where exactly the car was either. I looked around, but could not find her. I concluded I better go back to the bench, in case she still returns for me. However, I was slowly accepting it was hopeless. As it was getting dartk, I realized I should start working on the possibility Alia would not come back. It was Cape Town and I knew it was really dangerous I stayed on the beach that late in the day; I needed to get out of there, regardless of what happened with Alia. I did not know where to go, but thought my best option was to try to find some gas station quickly.
I started asking people and, finally, I was able to get to a gas station. Once safe inside, I was relieved to see I had a couple of missed calls from Gary's number. I thought it was probably Alia who had gone to Gary's and was using his phone to check on me. Thus, I called back that number hoping to be able to speak with Alia and have her come back for me. However, it turned out it was Monica who had been calling. Now, hear this, Monica clarified she was trying to get hold of Alia, as she was worried for her; it was getting late and did not know her whereabouts. I told her I did not know where Alia was either; but explained we had been talking on the beach, until she abruptly took off and left me there stranded. Monica completely disregarded everything I had said about my stressful state of affairs. and told me instead she was hoping to hear from Alia soon. A while later, I spoke again with Monica. Alia had finally arrived to their place. I wondered if anybody could come pick me up. I was in this gas station at the beach and had no way to get back to the workshop. I did not even had an address for the workshop, should I tried to get an uber. Monica explained she was not going to allow Alia to leave again the house that late in the night without "her phone." What was wrong with that woman?!! Quite frankly, still today it upsets the crap out of me. So what? Monica thinks women are little angels that come from Heaven or she is simply stupid? It really blew my mind. Alia had betrayed me with her asshole male partner (she may not had figured it out, but that is what had happened). Alia had left me to rot at the workshop, and gone stay with them, hoping she could still steal Monica's asshole partner. Finally, Alia had now left me stranded on that beach in freaking violen Cape Town. And this woman is solely concerned with Alia's wellbeing and has absolutely no regard for my life. Not only thinks Monica women are angels, but she does not even believe men reach the condition of human beings. I wish Monica had at least, at some point, wondered if perhaps there was any inaccuracy in all what Alia had said the previous Friday. It was not even like Monica had not received strong inputs suggesting the truth may be quite different from what Alia had depicted. As a matter of fact, we had been around for more than a month already and Alia had not made any mention of any problem in our relationship. Rather the opposite, it had become obvious to everybody we were a very happy couple and were really close. For goodness sake, I wonder if Monica ever got a bit intrigued observing Gary and Alia were getting so well along and how they were frantically exchanging SMS's! But, most of all, we had stayed over at their place just a couple of weeks earlier and Monica had then a chance to get to know us better and see that Alia was not at all the kind of girl who would submissively follow whatever her husband says. Rather the opposite, Alia was rather controlling and liked to be in charge.. As a matter of fact, after we finished dinner, Monica thought we have some little music party.: she was going to play a bit of everybody's favorite music. Needless to say Alia was first, because, yeah, we all know we live in a man's world, but, obviously, ladies first. Monica had found out which was Alia's favorite band and wanted to play something for her. Next were Monica and Gary. Finally, it was my turn. Monica had also learned Genesis is one of my favorite bands. So, she picked some Genesis' CD to play it. But then Alia, who was that night trying to impress Gary, jumped off her seat and ran towards Monica to intercept her. Monica laughed thinking Alia was just playing and joking. But Alia was actually totally serious about it and kept screaming she simply could not bear listening to Phil Collins. Gary and I looked at each other kind of amused - kind of embarrassed. Monica, still confused with Alia's behavior, tried to explained everybody had had their favorite music played, it was only me left, so I should have something played for me too. However, Alia would insist and simply not allow her to play any Genesis. It was so much so that Monica finally gave up and I did not get to listen to any of my favorite music.
I certainly do not care at all I could not listen to Genesis. I was, as a matter of fact, used to that. During our six years of marriage, there was barely ever any time where I could listen to Genesis. Alia used to find it disappointing if I ever would not appreciate very much any of her favorite music (and there was some, like that Japanese heavy music band, that was quite unsufferable). The way she perceived it, if I really loved her, then I should also like her music. On the other hand, when it came to my music, although she was always really open and liked very much most of it, she considered completely reasonable that she would just hate Phil Collin's voice, but that would not mean she now loves me any less. The final result was that we would basically listen to the music she liked; wheter it was hers or mine. But we would barely ever listen to that part of my music she did not liked. I need to admit, however, that was never really a problem for me. The music we would listen to, like the movies we would watch or the places we would go, were all part of what I considered details that I have always believed were not worth fighting for in a relationship. The way I have always seen it, we generally get lost in the little details and end up missing the big picture. In our childish fight over toys and little details we slowly hurt our relationships; we get so absorbed looking for ways to hurt each other, until we finally forget we used to love each other and that was all what really mattered. We stupidly forget our partner is the person we chose to share our life with, hoping he or she would help us achieve our dreams and be happy, and end up constantly looking for ways to hurt him or her. The truth is those little details were never a problem in our relationship, because, for the most part, we both agreed and shared views on those topics.
So far so good, but, if I have always been patient and understanding and everybody who has known me has always acknowledged that part of my personality, then it is really disturbing Monica would simply assume I am an asshole, even after she had witnessed exactly the opposite. Worst of all, to be more precise, There is no doubt in my mind, Monica assumed I was an asshole, for the very sole reason that I am a male. Unfortunately, it was not even enough for Monica to start making wrong assumptions. What really annoys the shit out of me is that she also needed to be proactive about it. I really do not understand who the hell she thought she was to appoint herself as the arbiter between Alia and me, and start taking decisions for us. Monica did not know anything about us and yet, without anybody's invitation, she takes over our relationship. Who was she to give or deny Alia permission to go out? "Alia's phone" was actually our phone; that is the smartphone I bought with the money I cared to save, but, during our travels, Alia was keeping most of the times, because, clearly, she was quicker doing stuff. Yeah, I am a man and, consequently, was so controlling that Alia would keep my phone most of the times. Same thing for the keys! I never had a copy of our house keys. Whether we were in Montana or in Spain (staying with my family) or traveling, Alia would always take and keep the keys. If I ever needed to leave the house by myself and there was a chance Alia would not be home by the time I return, I had to ask Alia for the keys. Yet, here comes Monica to decide she needs to protect Alia from me...
It may be argued Monica was only trying to help, but I do not buy it. Nobody asked her and her encroachment was therefore totally unacceptable. Nothing good can come out when somebody starts taking decisions and acting upon something she has no knowledge about. In fact, Monica put the last nail on our marriage's coffin. I have always been convinced we had a fair chance to find a way to save our relationship. In fact, the path has always been clear to me. From the very first minute, I have always thought Alia was being stupid and, sooner or later, she would figure out Gary was only playing with her. I have always been waiting for that moment, to start working again together our way out of this hole. I have always thought our marriage was worth it and it had been really stupid to give it up just for a minute of stupidity. However, when Monica decided to split us off, she ruined all hopes. Monica did not only separate us physically, but most of all emotionally and spiritually. Even worse, she put Alia helpless in the hands of her master. Monica definitely put the fox to guard the hen house. During those ten days Alia was all by herself at the mercy of Gary, he made sure to finish his job completely wiping out her brain and subduing her to his spell. When Gary was done, the path back home for Alia had been completely rubbed off and so it was sure she was not going to figure out anytime soon anything that had happened.
A while after speaking with Monica, I finally got a call from Alia. She sounded really weak. As a matter of fact, she wanted to explain she was feeling completely destroyed, she just did not have any energies and wondered if I could not figure out anything by myself. It became clear to me it was useless to argue. I may have felt upset, but she certainly did not sound fake: she noticeably struggled to get any word out and even seemed to have some difficulties breathing. It was certainly disappointing for me to witness again Alia was missing one more opportunity to express any feeling of care or concern for me; but, clearly, that was not the time. Rather, it was the time for me to accept that I will have to stay the night at that gas station. It was really very stressful, because I did not even know what the staff at the gas station would think about me staying there overnight. Actually, I did not even know if they were going to stay open throughout the night. I was feeling hopeful thinking they had so far been really nice to me. I had been there for a while already and I had already asked them for some help having my phone charged. It was clear to them I was going through some really difficult time and were patiently doing everything they could to help. They understood I was severely visually impaired and they knew, at that time of the night, my life was not safe outside of that gas station. Yes, it did not seem they were going to kick me out or kindly ask me to leave. It seemed they were going to allow me to stay there overnight; but it was still very stressful to think I still had a long night ahead of me at that gas station and I really did not know what is that I was going to do to get some sleep. All what I was able to find to try to get some rest were some stools; but it was to no avail. Not only it was very uncomfortable, but I was feeling too much anxiety. Undoubtedly, there were too many things going through my mind. As time passed, I was feeling more and more frustrated and uneasy. I was really tired,, but just could not fall asleep. I kept blaming it on the stool and the music. I kept thinking, perhaps, if I laid on the counter, I would be able to get some sleep. But, obviously, did not think the staff at the gass station would like to see me do that. Eventually I became so frustrated and desperate that I gather the courage to go ahead with the unblushing move to climb on the counter and lay down there. The staff clearly did not like it; yet, initially they still decided to forbearingly suck it up. However, with the break of dawn, it became too much and some guy finally could not refrain any longer from expressing his disapproval and reproached me for my shameless behavior. Some other customers would soon start coming and would feel scandalized to see some guy sleeping on the counter. I understood my move had not been the best way to show my gratitude for the staff's patience and kindness and so sheepishly returned to the stool.
Somehow I was feeling a bit more relieved: it was a new day, I had make it through the night and soon I was going to be able to get out of there. I had got the idea to call Andre (Gary's business partner) and ask him to come pick me up. Andre would always come for work at 8am, so I did not need to wait much longer. When I spoke with Andre, he seemed to commiserate with me and told me he would come for me, but he needed to do something else first. So I waited a while more before calling him again. However, I was becoming more doubtful that Andre would finally come pick me up. Time passed by, it slowly became late in the morning and I was still at the gas station. With the daily activity the place had become pretty busy and it was now nice outside, so it only made sense to go wait outside. As I did not hear back from Andre, I kept thinking what else I could do to get out of there. I was sitting on the curb, totally depressed when some man approached me and asked me if I was alright. I appreciated his concern for me and told him I was actually not doing well. I tried to explain in a nutshell what was my problem. Since I had so many grievances to share, it was certainly complicated to summarize everything in an intelligible way. However, I think my face just spoke for itself. Roy was able to discern I needed a ride and he determined he could help with that. At that time any kind of help, any tiny bit of care for me, felt like the whole world; so I explained I would forever be grateful, if he could give me a ride back to the workshop. Roy led me to his car, where his wife (Deborah) was waiting. I had to ride in the trunk, but at that time I could not care less about that. Roy and Debbie were indeed really nice; whereas all the previous days as well as those that were to follow belong to the worst of my life. The half hour I spent in the car chatting with Roy and Deborah then became like the most wonderful breath of love in the midst of a tornado of hate. It turned out Deborah was actually a US-citizen and they were trying to get Roy a green card, so that they could move to the US. I was really happy to hear that, because now I had something I could contribute to them. Of course Alia and I had gone through all that process and had done a lot of research on the topic. I, therefore, had a lot of good information to provide them with. As we were getting close to Killarney Gardens, we were able to get hold of Andre for exact directions to the workshop. I was however not really excited about reaching the end of our trip, since that would mean goodbye to my new friends and put me back into the nightmare of the last days. Upon our arrival I made sure to ask Roy and Debbie for their phone number; I really did not want to see them go. I knew the days ahead were going to be really difficult and I was going to need some support. I was feeling a mix of anxiety and desperation.
Although it was about the time that Gary would usually come for work, this time he and Alia were obviously late. Andre was not quite concerned about me either. It was clear to me the best thing I could do was to try to get some sleep. I went outside to grab some seat pads from the Land Rover and made some kind of bed with them. I was however still unable to get much rest. I was still too stressed. I did not want to be surprised asleep when Alia and Gary would arrive.
As it was getting late into the afternoon, I started thinking perhaps Gary and Alia would not come today to the workshop. It troubled me a bit why would that be; but, on the other hand, I felt that was probably the best that could happen. It seemed to me that seeing Alia again, coming with her lover, was likely to lead to a rather unpleasant confrontation; particularly so after what had happened the day before on the beach. I was then not feeling with the energies to have an argument.
It must have been around 4pm, when Alia and Gary finally arrived. I was sitting inside the workshop and Alia passed by totally oblivious of my presence. She dashed in with Gary and went right back out before I could even find a chance to say a word. I was hoping to get an explanation for what had happened the day before, but since Alia did not seem to be concerned with me, I directed my complaints towards Gary. However, he did not deem appropriate anything I had to say. He advised I should be more careful being so critic of Alia. Then, he made some gesture as if he would slide some rope around his neck and explained Alia was suicidal. I did not understand why he would now come up with that; but, since I have long known Alia had had suicidal thoughts, I basically disregarded his remark and continued with my grievances. However, one minute later it hit me that maybe I had misunderstood and Gary had actually tried to tell me something important. Hence, I stopped with what I was saying and asked him what had he meant.
Did he really say Alia was a suicidal person or was he actually trying to tell me that Alia had attempted to commit suicide? He explained Alia had tried to commit suicide the night before, putting a rope around her neck.
I was shocked. I could not believe my ears. All of a sudden everything became totally irrelevant and all what I care about was how was Alia. I therefore jumped off my seat and ran outside to go see Alia. She was by the Land Rover, getting stuff out from the back of the car. There were actually already quite a lot of bags and boxes on the ground and it was difficult to get to her. As I saw her standing, totally depressed, by the Land Rover's back door, all what I could think of was to say what I had missed the day before on the beach. I had wanted to give her an example of one occasion where I felt that I did not act correctly; when she abruptly screamed at me telling me to stop and, subsequently, ran away. So, now, as I was trying to make my way towards her among all the obstacles on the ground, I wanted to tell her of course there had been times where I had been wrong and I was not proud of how I had proceeded. As I was struggling to get each word out, I could not hold up the tears. I knew Alia had always felt horrible after each of those times where she got mad at me for the most stupid reason. I could then understand how much it had hurt her the day before, that I had gone through and reminded her about all those episodes. I therefore felt terrible thinking my collection of reproaches had led her to try to commit suicide. Alia got completely shocked to hear me admit some wrongdoing and see me in such dismay for what had happened to her. Throughout our marriage she had felt it had always been her who had hurt me and had hurt our relationship. The way she saw it, she had to grovel and kick herself for days after each of our arguments. Now that I was admitting some wrongdoing on my part, she was able to find some relief to her constant remorse. Alia grabbed me and passionately kissed me in the mouth. I asked her to promise me she would never try to kill herself again. She explained she could not promise that. However, I insisted she needed to promise me she would not try to take her life again. She then conceded and promised it to me.
All of a sudden, everything seemed to have got resolved. It was clear to Alia I loved her and she seemed to love me too. That was, however, until I made my last mistake. Gary and Alia told me (or so I understood), that they had been earlier that day at the US Consulate in Cape Town. That was the reason why they had arrived so late in the afternoon. Alia had explained she had tried to commit suicide the night before and the consulate staff suggested to put her in the next flight back to the US. That, however, felt a bit rushed to Alia. But she still thought she needed to go back home as soon as possible. I understood Alia was in a very fragile and sensitive state and I should save her from all stress and conflict. Last weekend I had determined I needed to get Gary as far as possible from Alia, and had therefore planned to suggest to Alia that we go stay at a motel until she flies back home. However, now, for the most stupid reason ever, I assumed she would prefer staying with Gary and Monica and concluded I should not try to start an argument and oppose her plan to go with Gary. I therefore withdrew altogether my idea to suggest her to come with me to a motel.
Without a doubt, that was my final mistake. Without a doubt, after that mistake I did not need to make any other one for our marriage to be pronounced dead. Still today I just cannot believe I made such a stupid decision. For some reason that will forever intrigued me, since the very beginning of our marriage Alia expressed strong fears our relationship was doomed. It was 2010, we loved each other dearly and I could not understand where those apocalyptic thoughts were coming from. However, now, once I conceded that Alia would go back with Gary and Monica, there was no doubt our marriage was doomed.
When I think today about my decision, I just cannot make any sense of it and really hate myself for it; why did I not even try? Back then it all seemed so logical, because Alia was in love with Gary and did not appreciate me that much anymore. However, everything had changed after she had just seen me crying for her and admitting some part in our marriage's failure. As much as Alia was infatuated and hooked up to Gary, she knew he was only playing and her marriage was the best she had and did not really want to see it die. It was then not that obvious at all that she would have been against coming with me to a motel. After she had finished packing, just before leaving, she went to me, looked me in the eyes and repeated: "We will talk, we will talk". We never did. I noded to show my agreement with her idea; but I did not want to go any further than that, since the last thing I wanted was to stress her out. Of course we would talk (I thought); we had the whole life to talk. So, I let her go... I let her forever go. Indeed, I was very confident we would talk and find some way out of that crisis. Alia had just kissed me passionately and made it clear she cared for me. That evening, again alone in the workshop, I was certainly feeling much better. It is actually striking (now I would say almost foolish) how much my mood had improved in such little time. Just three days earlier Alia had broken my heart. The following day I felt like dying after Alia had told me she was going to stay with Gary. Then, one more day later, we had this very sour discussion at the beach, which ended with me staying sleepless overnight at the gas station. I had not got any sleep since Saturday night (almost two days earlier), nothing substantial had changed, Alia was still in love with Gary; yet, I found energies to write the following upbeat SMS to Roy and Debbie:
"Hi Roy & debbie. Thank you very much for your help. The last days, since my wife, Alia, dumped me last Friday, have been horrible. I really needed some help and love. I saw Alia this afternoon: she was in tears, totally destroyed and broken down. something terrible had happened. I agreed she should fly back home (Montana) immediately. She is now OK. Thank you for being a beautiful human being. The staff at the petrol station were nice, but I spent the whole night there and you were the only one to show compassion and asked and offered help and love. You both are a big, good heart. Javier"
Reading now the message, there is little doubt I was feeling quite overconfident that everything was going to get resolved. Probably that was the reason why I did not offer any objection to Alia continuing staying with Gary and Monica. If everything was going to be alright, what was the need to start a conflict and make it hard on Alia? Needless to say, the question now could not sound more stupid. I mean... what was I thinking?!! Clearly I failed to understand what Gary could do to Alia's mind once they would be again away from me. As a matter of fact, after that day, Alia became really cold to me and we never got to talk again about what we thought we should do with our relationship. That is definitely some thought that will forever torment me and I will never be able to wrap my head around: We saw our love slip away without even being able to ever have any conversation where we could even try to explain each other's feelings.
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