From "When A Man Loves A Woman" Chapter 13.
We were indeed the happiest couple ever; as happy as anybody can be. We had all what anybody can wish in life and were having the time of our lives when we reached Cape Town, after the most awesome adventure crossing all Africa on our beautiful 1974 Land Rover Series III. We were really on top of the world: we had made it!
South Africa is a fairly developed country and, after all the scarcety during the previous months in 'Black Africa', we were finally going to be able to find the skills and technology to put our Land Rover back together and get fully equipped, to continue our journey back North across Eastern Africa. I wanted to buy a 12V car freezer, a real freezer, to keep our food fresh and healthy. Alia had chosen a rooftop tent, to save us work in the evenings, setting up our bed , to sleep in the car. Our travels were only going to get even better!
We just needed to get a roof rack for our car, so that we could mount the rooftop tent on top. David at Roverland referred us to some mechanic he knew: "long hair, smokes like a chimney, i.e. Gary Rhenda." Gary gave us the most friendly welcome ("you can check-in anytime you want; but you can never leave..."). He seemed very cool and friendly. He said to be inspired by our journey and eager to help. But he did not feel to do the work. He explained he did not work for the money, but for the joy of it. He would so be happy to teach us and let us use his tools and equipment, but we would have to build the roof rack ourselves. Gary was obviously thinking in Alia, since my visual impairment would not allow me to solder or grind. He was, however, thinking in Alia deeper than what we could then imagine. Those first days at Gary's workshop he told us how, as a little child he liked to say, when he grew up he would want to be a 'gigolo'. It was funny and we laughed, but it was no joke: we were soon going to learn the hard way, Gary was the kind of cassanova playboy who enjoys conquering women just to feed his macho ego. As a matter of fact the stickers on his car's windshield already advertised him as a disgusting womanizer: "So many women!, so little time!", "virginity?, don't worry, thereis a cure". However, I thought I had no reason to worry: Gary was 56 (30 years older than Alia), was on his third marriage, had two married sons and was a total cynical with absolutely no interest in starting over a new life with a new woman. If he had any hope conquering Alia, it would be just pathetic, because Alia was way smarter than that.
God knows how Alia fell for a womanizer like that, but, fact of the matter is she completely surrendered to his sweet words of poison and helplessly fell in love with him. I guess he knew his arts pretty well. He made also sure to use my visual disability to open a crack in Alia's heart: "Oh, you are so awesome, you deserve so much more than that useless blind guy." When I first met Alia, I thought she was very mature, but soon I came to realize it was rather the opposite. She kept telling me she had mental issues, but I rather thought she had been spoiled and was very immature. Fact of the matter is, since Alia was a baby her mother has played these psychological tricks on her. Since she was a baby, Robyn has been tormenting and indoctrinating Alia to engrain in her the conviction she should never stop being a child and mother and child should stay together forever. Robyn went as far as doing drugs and getting drunk together with her child. to bind Alia to her. As a result, Alia is not only very immature, but also mentally very fragile and vulnerable. These days I feel really sorry, back in South Africa, I did not have a better understanding of Alia's special circumstances and all what she was coming from. It is not like Alia had not warned me about them, but it had been at the beginning of our relationship; several years earlier. It is also very difficult to remain cold and reason, when you are being betrayed and get hurt so deeply. It is certainly much easier years later, after I have carefully gone through all of Alia's emails over and over again. Now it just breaks my heart and makes me break down in tears to read Alia's emails and think all what asshole Gary, sick Robyn and the stupid, evil judges have done to us.
On February 19th 2016, Alia got up and immediately disappeared from the workshop where we were staying. I tried to look around for her, but she was nowhere to be found. I could not understand why she had left without saying anything. I was fearing she hag gone to see Gary. From the very first day we met Gary, it had been rather obvious Alia liked him. But that was nothing really uncommon. Throughout all the time we had been together, throughout all our travels, we had come across many, many men, and there had been many instances where Alia seemed to like the guy. I can even think of cases where it really seemed Alia felt some attraction to the guy (for example, Ivan in Tepoz or Marko in Banja Luka). However, I never felt threaten or found any reason to worry. One thing was that she may have felt attracted to some guy; something totally different is she would ever give up her marriage for some guy she had met the day before. Gary was a heavy smoker and he would constantly take smoke breaks. He would then go check on Alia, see how she was doing working on the car. It was so often that Gary and Alia would spend quite some time chatting, instead of actually working on the car. He enjoyed telling her stories (like, for example, about the time he served in the war in Angola) and she loved listening to those stories. It turned out he was all that time seducing Alia, it all happened right before my eyes and nose; but I never did or said anything about it. The reason being I thought I would be a jerk if I would feel jealous and go and give them shit for not being focused on the car, but spending time chatting. The way I saw it back then, Gary was helping us, we were getting our Land Rover fixed up, and it was totally alright that they would try to have a good time while doing so. I do not think it had done me any good, if I had felt jealous just because they were getting well along; that had only led Alia to conclude, I was an asshole. It is true, however, that as time passed, I was getting increasingly worried. I could not see how often they would text each other, but Alia kept telling me and commenting on their conversations via SMS. Fact of the matter is that, during those last weeks of our marriage, Alia was constantly talking about Gary. Then, those last days before she broke up with me, she was particularly mean and rude to me. So, when she disappeared that morning of February 19th, the first thought that came to my mind was that she may have gone see Gary: during those last days, I had been fearing Alia's feelings towards Gary were getting out of control.
After a couple of hours waiting, I thought I would ask Andre (Gary's business partner) to call Alia with his phone. There was, however, no answer. Shortly after noon, as usual, Gary arrived at the workshop. I asked him if he knew anything about Alia. He replied he did not. I told him she was missing since early that morning and I was worried for her. I explained I had tried to call her; but there had been no answer. I was concerned something may had happened to her. Gary said not to worry; if there had been an accident, they would immediately contact the numbers in her call log. That sounded like a suspiciously 'sophisticated' answer... The work day came to an end and everybody had left; but Alia was still nowhere to be seen. Finally, at sunset, somebody pounded on the gate: it was Alia. I asked her where she had been. She then dropped the bomb: "Javier, I am going to leave you, because I am sick of dragging you around the supermarkets."
That left me in shock. During the day, I had thought and was ready to tell her off for cheating on me like that. I could not believe Alia had been so stupid to hurt our marriage for some guy we had just met one month ago. But Alia's actual explanation caught me completely off-guard. I was not prepared to hear and argue against a reference to my visual disability. So, I was only able to acknowledge Alia's words. Alia prompted me to say something about it; but I did not know what to say. Alia insisted asking what is what I had to say about it. But I tried to explain, I did not understand what is what she was expecting me to say: she had just told me she was going to leave me because she was sick of the burden my disability represented on her, and I just did not see how it was that I could argue anything against that. I understood, regardless of whether I thought it was right or wrong, there was nothing I could do to change the way she felt about my disability. It was even more clear there was nothing I could do to make my disability disappear. So, I insisted I did not have anything to say; I did not know what is that she expected me to say. Alia finally accepted my answer and shortly later I could see her crying. That one really left me baffled: I actually felt a mix of annoyance and bewilderness. I did not understand. This was really stupid. What was wrong with her? She had just admitted to be sick of me and, so, was now getting rid of me. She should feel relieved, if not happy, about it. I was the one being dumped; if anybody, it should be me who feels devastated. Fact of the matter is, however, Alia kept crying all through the evening. As annoying and stupid as it seemed to me back then, I need to admit, these days I see it from a totally different perspective. At the beginning of our relationship, Alia gave me this advice and recipe on how to treat her and deal with her sudden changes of mood. Alia explained to me she sometimes goes through periods of intense anger and can then be really mean. According to her recipe, during those streaks of anger, my reaction would need to be to hug her, kiss her and tell her I love her. She complained her previous boyfriend would see her angry and depressed and run away to go play with his friends. She argued that would not help; but would make her even more depressed and angry. When I read that in those first emails of her, I found it really weird and, obviously, got a bit concerned; so, she thought it was OK for her to be an asshole to me , but I would have to take the blame for not responding to her wrath with hugs, kisses and love? Yet, as wrong as it seemed, these days I sometimes feel tempted to be remorseful for not following that recipe that evening at Gary's workshop. In reality I know it had not worked anyway, because the recipe definitely does not make any sense.
However, fact of the matter is, that was our very last night together. Yes, it is really shocking to me, if I had been told that morning or even that evening, when Alia had just broken up with me, that we were about to spend our very last night together, I had simply been totally uncapable of believing it. After six very intense years of marriage, where, except for a couple of months in 2010 and 2012, we had been together, side-by-side, 24/7/365, where Alia would really struggle if we ever were apart for just a bunch of hours, it was impossible to even imagine everything was going to die, altogether, all of a sudden, that night. It is like something supernatural happened that night that sucked Alia out of this world and throw her into infinite darkness. Of course it was not something that just took place that night; rather, it had been cooking for a long time: Gary had been working on it for the last several weeks, Robyn had been planning it for many years. For example, three months earlier, during that argument in IONA National Park, Alia was throwing rocks at me. I could not believe it: it was so childish! Everytime she threw a rock at me, I would scream at her she was a five-year-old child. But that would only fire her up even more and she would respond throwing a couple of more rocks. Alia had long tried to teach me, whenever she annoyed me somehow, the best way for me to handle it would be to suck it up. That would be the only way she would stop. Whereas, if I ever protested, that would only fire her up and she would respond doubling the dosis, annoying me once again, even more. I always told Alia, that would not work with me; I would never accept being trained like that. Rather, she would have to grow it out. That left Alia confused, disappointed and frightened: that recipe had always worked with her mother. Indeed, that is exactly what I mean when I say Robyn cursed Alia to fail in any relationship she could ever try to start with any other person than her mother. Robyn engrained in her daughter the idea she was awesome, she was beautiful and there was absolutely nothing wrong in her. The affidavits Robyn wrote for Immigration really talk for themselves (...); if anybody ever did not like something about her daughter, it would be the world who needed to change, never her daughter. Of course, unfortunately, the world never seems to want to change for us. We rather figure out how to adjust to the world, if we ever want to fit in. But Alia was in fact so good that she figured all that out by herself, fought fiercely for her dreams and broke free. Alia realized she was not really perfect; as a matter of fact, she had very big insecurities. Moreover, Alia tried hard to become the best person she could be. Alia fought fiercely to succeed in her marriage. Unavoidably, sometimes she would get mad at me for the most stupid reason. Then she would hurt me, but immediately afterwards she would feel horrible. During those weeks of early 2011 where we stayed with my parents, one day we could not find Alia anywhere, until my mother finally found her lying on the floor, crying behind a bed. We had just had an argument for some stupid reason: I think it was because I told her one of my former roommates was gay. As her emails show, Alia felt horrible for having hurt me and pledged to herself to be better. I remember the look in her eyes all those times she was feeling horrible for starting and exarcerbating a fight and consequently hurting our marriage. I remember, for example, the look in her eyes at some gas station in Southern France, on the last day of our one-year journey around Europe. We had had to give up visiting beautiful Gorgedu Verdon and had to rush through French toll roads to get to Madrid on time for my final green card interview, because, the previous day, we had lost the whole morning over the most stupid argument. Alia felt horrible and pledged to herself to be better. And she certainly did; Alia became the best wife I could have ever dremed of. Alia broke free, escaped from Robyn's curse and triumphed. We lived six womderful years together.
It then really breaks my hard to think Alia was captured that night at Gary's workshop and sent back to Hell. It turns out our triumph had only been temporary. The fight never ends; I guess life is a fight in itself, from beginning to end. After all Alia had only been all that time running away. But Alia's curse chase her down all the way into Cape Town and ambushedher in Gary's workshop. That Friday night of February 19th, Alia was finally captured and sent back to Hell. It was like some evil demon came from Hell to bring her back there. It all happened right before my eyes and nose; but I never did anything. Alia kept asking what did I have to say about her resolution; but I did not have anything to say. Alia then started crying; but I still did not do anything. Alia kept crying all through the evening, until everything was again quiet the next morning. I did not realize it back then, but the next morning Alia was not with me anymore; she was gone.
The next day went by like nothing had happened. Several days earlier we had taken our Land Rover's gearbox out. That is, Alia had taken our Land Rover's gearbox out, so that we could fix a leak in the transfer box. Now that Alia had decided to break up with me, her plan was to finish the job, put the gearbox back in, and once she was done with it and the car was running again she would fly back to Montana.
The day went by business as usual, until night fell again. It was time to start making dinner and, after what Alia had told me the day before, I thought I would fix my own dinner to make clear I did not need anybody to take care of me, cook for me or drag me around the supermarkets. Going back and forth between the kitchen and our portable freezer, I cross my way with Alia and noticed she was also starting to make dinner for both of us. I therefore told her she did not need to bother cooking for me. Surprisingly, Alia got upset with that. She fumed for a minute and then told me, if I did not want her to fix dinner for us, then she was going to go spend the night with Gary (...and Monica). "Holy shit!!" I got completely shocked. "...What about Monica?", I asked. Monica had been Gary's partner for the previous five years, and I could not think how she would see that he would bring a girlfriend over... Alia's answer shocked me even deeper. She explained it had actually been Monica who had suggested she stay over with them. I just could not believe that was really happening. It turned out Alia had lied to me the day before. It turned out there was something more to it than being sick of dragging me around the supermarkets. It turned out, as I had been fearing, there was something between Alia and Gary. It turned out Monica was stupid; she had not got a clue or, even worse, did not care. It turned out Alia had not gone the day before to the beach to think over our marriage, as she had told me, but she had first gone to visit Gary at his house. She was now explaining she needed to talk to some friend for advice. Yeah right, she asked the fox to guard the hen house. Actually, more precisely, the hen left the hen house to visit the fox, looking for shelter. It turned out Alia told them a whole bunch of lies about our argument in Iona NP, so that she and Gary could justify her visit to Gary and Monica was so stupid that she bought them all.
It really hurt me more than what I can express with words to learn that Alia was going to spend the night, and from then on stay, with her lover. It was not just that she was cheating on me; but she was even rubbing it on my face. It was not just that Alia was betraying me, but I was being left to rot in the filthy workshop, while Alia was having fun at Gary and Monica's nice and comfortable house. I really do not think there could be anything more humiliating and hurtful. Then, I have to hear some asshole judges say Alia met her burden of proof showing she left me because I had been brutally beating her up on a regular basis... But, yeah... it is so comforting to know the people who rule us are so feminist and have such good understanding, that women are little angels that come from Heaven.
I could not believe Alia could be so evil. It was like she was a different person. It was not Alia, it was Mr. Hyde. I tried to say something to bring her back to her senses. It was, however, all hopeless. I did not realize it back then, but Alia was totally enamored with Gary and all what she could think of was to be with him. Still today it is all so disgusting to think about. I complained she had lied like that about us. I asked her to think twice what she was doing: blowing up our marriage for some stupid, adolescent thrill. She coldly replied: I know I am being an asshole; but we both know this has something to do with your eyes". She also argued: "If you think you have no part in our marriage's failure, you are as wrong as I am." What kind of non-sense was that?? If, by any chance, I had thought I had no part in our marriage's failure, that had only made me an arrogant jerk and could not be compared with what she was doing. On the other hand, just because I had not been perfect and had also had some part in our marriage's failure, that would still not justify all what she was doing. But, of course, at that moment, I did not had the time nor the energy to elaborate on a fine argument to dismantle such a big pile of stupid, adolescent bullshit. I so insisted pointing out her bad judgement. For so many years I had heard Alia critisizing her mother; explaining how her mother was so immature that, one day she would fall in love and say her new boyfriend is the most wonderful man and shortly after, at the first difficulty, she would dump him complaining he would not treat her right. One day she would start a new job and come back home after her first day, saying she absolutely loves her job, and, shortly after, at the first difficulty, she would quit, complaining at work they are bitches and are very mean to her... I pointed out to Alia, she was now doing all what she had always critisized about her mother. Alia, however, argued if she was Robyn's daughter, nobody should get surprised she was like Robyn.
It was clear Alia was not going to attend to any kind of moral or ethical arguments. She was like a selfish teenager, completely driven by her hormones. It seemed to me my only hope was to appeal to her selfish interests. I asked her what was her plan. We had thought we would move to Hawaii once we ffinish our travels. We wanted to build a family... Now that she was blowing all up, I was wondering what was she planning on doing, when she arrive back in Montana; how, for example, she was planning on paying her student loans. Alia blatantly answered not to worry about her; it was not my problem.
Alia was blinded by love. Although I had some insight, I could not imagine to what extend all what she could think of is to be with Gary. Alia then asked me for Gary's car's keys. Gary, always so determined to conquer Alia's heart, had offered we use one of his cars, while we fix our Land Rover's transfer box. Earlier that day I had asked for those keys, so that I could get something I had forgotten inside; but now Alia needed them back. I thought for a second what to do. I was aware I was supposed to surrender some keys that did not belong to me; but I definitely did not want to submissively cooperate with Alia's humiliation to me. My bad demon's reasoning seemed more powerful to me and I told Alia I was not going to give her the keys. Unfortunately, my bad demon's triumph was only partial and temporary; I will always regret my good demon was finally able to convince me that retaining somebody else's property could not only put me on the wrong side of the argument, but also lead to an escalation of the conflict that, eventually, could bring about some rather undesireable consequences.
I so told Alia I was not going to help her do that to me and, therefore, was not going to give her the keys; but she could always call Gary and ask him to come pick her up. I certainly chose the worst time in my life to run out of courage and take the cautious, but contradicting and, in the end, self-defeating way out. Probably I think too much about it. Probably Alia had come up herself with the idea of calling Gary anyway; but I will always find it difficult to understand, why I hinted her on that, if I thought I should not help her being an asshole to me.
Alia did not think twice and immediately disappeared to call Gary. My head was boiling trying to figure out the best course of action. Now that I could expect Gary was going to come to pick Alia up, I thought I would go outside and wait for him. I thought at least I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him something. Perhaps that is why I hinted Alia on calling Gary to have him come. However, clearly, they were able to see that coming and were going to make everything possible to avoid it. They agreed Gary was not going to drive all the way into the workshop, but they were going to meet somewhere nearby. After a while, Alia, who had until then been patiently waiting inside, finally came out of the workshop . I could have guessed she was actually leaving to meet her lover; but it was not really that obvious. Cape Town is the kind of very dangerous city that no woman (or man) would normally want to walk out to the street alone in complete darkness ...unless she were a prostitute. I feel really sad to say that is the thought that went through my mind, when I saw Alia walking out to the street into the dark. I could not believe Alia was degrading herself to such degree; the thought of Gary - this 56-year old man, hiding around the corner, waiting for his 26-year old prey - was and still is so disgusting. I could have followed Alia, but it actually took me a while to realize what was going on. There was no time to think things over and I really do not like to act instinctively. In all honesty, I do not believe it had served any good purpose anyway.
I actually remained outside for quite a while longer, until I concluded Alia was not coming back and had, indeed, left to meet Gary. Nothing was going to happen and I had to go back inside to make something to eat. I was heartbroken. Without a doubt, that night was one of the worst in my life. The image of Alia disappearing into the night was and still is devastating. If I had lost Alia spiritually and emotionally the night before, that she would not stop crying; now, it was becoming clear to me I had lost her physically. If I had not realized it the night before, now I could see it with my own eyes. The image of Alia disappearing into the dark was just the physical materialization of what had happened the night before.
That night at Gary's workshop my whole world was crumbling down. All what had been the most fundamental aim of my life was all of a sudden falling apart. Coincidentally, those days the radio kept playing Lukas Graham worldwide sweeping hit: "7 years". The song's verses sounded over and over again in my head: "Once I was 7 years old, my mama told me, go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely. Once I was 11 years old, my daddy told me, go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely". Somehow I have always felt my life would have to follow those lines or it would never be complete: make friends, find a wife, build a family and transmit all what I had learned to the future generations. As a matter of fact, 10 years earlier, right after completing my Ph.D., as happy as I was with my academic achievement, I was seriously concerned that I was critically falling behind on the most fundamental end: I had no social life. Nobody had any doubt, that was the time to harvest and secure a good post-doc position, after such great work and immense effort in graduate school. I was however so stressed thinking that the time was ticking and I did not want to wait to be in my forties to start looking for a girlfriend; that I was ready to allow all that blood, sweat and tears as a graduate student go to waste and ruin my Ph.D. work. As soon as I realized that if I kept prioritizing my professional career, it would put me again a few more years off, I finally decided to for once place my life front and center; I finally refrained from sealing my soul's sale to the system. Consequently, I set my mind on the biggest and most ambitious adventure I had so far conceived: I was going to bicycle-tour all over the Western U.S. and visit Yosemite NP, Yellowstone NP, Glacier NP, etc. Back then it seemed like the kind of project that I would keep all through my life dreaming with; but would never gather enough courage to actually make it happen. Yet, I did it! Not only did I do it, but I could have never thought I would achieve my ultimate fantasy: I met Alia, she fell in love with me and we spent six wonderful years together. We had just completed the most amazing adventure crossing all Africa on our Land Rover. Yet, tonight I was alone in that dark, filthy workshop, Alia had just left with asshole Gary and all her love was gone. She did not care the tiniest bit for me anymore. All of a sudden, I had lost everything I had worked so hard for in all of my life. I was back in the starting box; but I was not 7 years old anymore. What was I going to make of my life now?
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