All of a sudden, everything seemed to have got resolved. It was clear to Alia I loved her and she seemed to love me too. That was, however, until I made my last mistake. Gary and Alia told me (or so I understood), that they had been earlier that day at the US Consulate in Cape Town. That was the reason why they had arrived so late in the afternoon. Alia had explained she had tried to commit suicide the night before and the consulate staff suggested to put her in the next flight back to the US. That, however, felt a bit rushed to Alia. But she still thought she needed to go back home as soon as possible. I understood Alia was in a very fragile and sensitive state and I should save her from all stress and conflict. Last weekend I had determined I needed to get Gary as far as possible from Alia, and had therefore planned to suggest to Alia that we go stay at a motel until she flies back home. However, now, for the most stupid reason ever, I assumed she would prefer staying with Gary and Monica and concluded I should not try to start an argument and oppose her plan to go with Gary. I therefore withdrew altogether my idea to suggest her to come with me to a motel.
Without a doubt, that was my final mistake. Without a doubt, after that mistake I did not need to make any other one for our marriage to be pronounced dead. Still today I just cannot believe I made such a stupid decision. For some reason that will forever intrigued me, since the very beginning of our marriage Alia expressed strong fears our relationship was doomed. It was 2010, we loved each other dearly and I could not understand where those apocalyptic thoughts were coming from. However, now, once I conceded that Alia would go back with Gary and Monica, there was no doubt our marriage was doomed.
When I think today about my decision, I just cannot make any sense of it and really hate myself for it; why did I not even try? Back then it all seemed so logical, because Alia was in love with Gary and did not appreciate me that much anymore. However, everything had changed after she had just seen me crying for her and admitting some part in our marriage's failure. As much as Alia was infatuated and hooked up to Gary, she knew he was only playing and her marriage was the best she had and did not really want to see it die. It was then not that obvious at all that she would have been against coming with me to a motel. After she had finished packing, just before leaving, she went to me, looked me in the eyes and repeated: "We will talk, we will talk". We never did. I noded to show my agreement with her idea; but I did not want to go any further than that, since the last thing I wanted was to stress her out. Of course we would talk (I thought); we had the whole life to talk. So, I let her go... I let her forever go. Indeed, I was very confident we would talk and find some way out of that crisis. Alia had just kissed me passionately and made it clear she cared for me. That evening, again alone in the workshop, I was certainly feeling much better. It is actually striking (now I would say almost foolish) how much my mood had improved in such little time. Just three days earlier Alia had broken my heart. The following day I felt like dying after Alia had told me she was going to stay with Gary. Then, one more day later, we had this very sour discussion at the beach, which ended with me staying sleepless overnight at the gas station. I had not got any sleep since Saturday night (almost two days earlier), nothing substantial had changed, Alia was still in love with Gary; yet, I found energies to write the following upbeat SMS to Roy and Debbie:
"Hi Roy & debbie. Thank you very much for your help. The last days, since my wife, Alia, dumped me last Friday, have been horrible. I really needed some help and love. I saw Alia this afternoon: she was in tears, totally destroyed and broken down. something terrible had happened. I agreed she should fly back home (Montana) immediately. She is now OK. Thank you for being a beautiful human being. The staff at the petrol station were nice, but I spent the whole night there and you were the only one to show compassion and asked and offered help and love. You both are a big, good heart. Javier"
Reading now the message, there is little doubt I was feeling quite overconfident that everything was going to get resolved. Probably that was the reason why I did not offer any objection to Alia continuing staying with Gary and Monica. If everything was going to be alright, what was the need to start a conflict and make it hard on Alia? Needless to say, the question now could not sound more stupid. I mean... what was I thinking?!! Clearly I failed to understand what Gary could do to Alia's mind once they would be again away from me. As a matter of fact, after that day, Alia became really cold to me and we never got to talk again about what we thought we should do with our relationship. That is definitely some thought that will forever torment me and I will never be able to wrap my head around: We saw our love slip away without even being able to ever have any conversation where we could even try to explain each other's feelings.
Alia and Gary returned to the workshop the next day. Alia explained to me they would probably not come to the workshop over the following days. It was therefore advisable that we go replenish some food for me. She also pointed out she had left the other day a plate of food for me. I had actually noticed that plate and have always felt it was really weird she found time to cook some dinner that night that she tried to commit suicide at the workshop. I asked Alia for some directions to the closest supermarket. Alia did not understand my request, since she was going to drive me there. I explained she did not need to take me to the supermarket; I could go there by myself. Alia was really confused; the place was rather far away and Cape Town is very dangerous even at daylight. I clarified I did not mind to walk a couple of miles and I really did not think anything was going to happen to me. Undoubtedly, Alia's words the previous Friday regarding how sick she was of dragging me around the supermarkets, were still resounding in my brain. Alia insisted she would rather take me to the supermarket. But, after what she had said last Friday, I really did not want her to do that for me; I knew it would be a matter of time that it would be used against me. Consequently, I pulled out the smartphone and asked her to point at the supermarket's location. Alia hesitantly showed me where in the map the supermarket was. But she clearly did not want me to figure out how to get there by myself; she insisted it was very complicated and far away. But I explained I would be alright. Then, Alia broke down in tears and begged me to please let her help me: "Please, let me help you take you to the supermarket". I got shocked, I did not understand anything. Just four days ago she was telling me she was going to leave me because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets. But now she was begging me with tears in her eyes to please let her help me go to the supermarket. I was left speechless. Having gone that far, I obviously could not do anything but accept her help. We so drove together to the supermarket and Alia patiently helped me with everything I needed. Over the previous weeks, each time we had been to a store, Alia had been rather mean to me and had frequently become frustrated with my perfectionism and enless questions. This time however she enduringly helped me with everything without ever voicing a word of complaint.
I believe it was after we returned from the supermarket that Alia gave me our credit card. She told me she had already booked her flight to the US and was not going to need it. At first I did not want to take it, since she still had a week before her departure. However, she explained she was still keeping quite some South African cash and would have enough. I asked her one last time if she was sure about that and, as she noded, I finally accepted the credit card.
Alia's reaction that day crying, begging me to allow her to help me, after she had scremed at me four days earlier, she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, is probably the best example I can think of to show how Alia got messed up. Without a doubt, at the very least, she became completely contradictory. Everybody has always agreed with me my reluctance to accept Alia's help was totally reasonable and more than justified. Whereas her reaction was not quite easy to understand. However, on a deeper thought, perhaps I have all along been wrong. Perhaps, I have all along failed to understand Alia's very special personality and emotions. Indeed, Alia had created this ideal image of hubby and wifie, this perfect world of Monkey and Bunny, where we both loved each other dearly. Alia had always feared to ever wake up from this dream. Long before we made it to Africa, Alia had always felt a deep disappointment, if I ever hesitated to accept any help from her or exhibit anything less than complete trust in her. For example, if we ever came down from a hike after dark, she would not understand why I would not want to just hold on to her and allow her to guide me through the dark. Similarly, if she ever needed to log in into my email, she would find it disappointing that I would not just tell her my password, but would enter it myself. I can then imagine that, when I hesitated to accept her help taking me to the supermarket, she did not have any other choice than to accept I did not trust her anymore. I did not see her as my Bunny anymore. She was not my wifie anymore. That is, I did not really love her anymore.
From then on it was all a slow and very sad agony and decomposition. I think it must have been about Thursday of that week, when Alia and Gary returned to the workshop. The only relevant contact Alia had with me was to suggest I leave the workshop and go stay at a hostel. I could tell very well where was that coming from. I knew perfectly well Alia was only conveying the message Gary had given her for me. That asshole had offered us one month earlier that we stayed at the workshop, so that he could take on his challenge to conquer Alia. Back then we were two, but we were not any inconvenience. However, now that he had got his prey and game was over, my presence at the workshop all of a sudden became a big nuisance and he needed to get rid of me. Not only I did not feel like dancing to Gary's music, but by no means was I going to leave the Land Rover unattended at the workshop. Gary was going to need to look me in the eyes and tell me to leave, in order for him to get me out of there. Certainly to hide behind Alia and use her for that purpose was not going to work with me.
That Friday was Alia's birthday. So, when I saw her, I made sure to wish her a happy birthday. Alia thanked me for that. She seemed to be gladly surprised that I wished her a happy birthday. I do not think she was very confident I would do so. If that was really her intuition, she was actually quite wrong. If that was indeed her view, it had been just one more example of how those days we were both so completely clueless about each other's feelings. As a matter of fact, I was feeling quite some regret that I was not going to be able to be with her on her birthday; instead some other assholes would. It certainly produced me some rather unpleasant feeling to think that Alia was going to share her birthday with asshole Gary and Monica, while I would be sitting alone at the filthy workshop. Gary told me later, that Monica invited some friends over and throw some little party for Alia. They drank, cursed and were stupid. It made me feel even worse.
I am not sure if it was also that day that Alia handed me some papers Monica had printed for me. Monica had given those papers to Alia with information about companies I could use to ship the Land Rover back to Spain. While I assumed Monica had printed that information with her best intention, I need to admit I really did not appreciate to receive those papers. To say the truth, the thought that went through my mind was to make a ball of those papers, give it back to Alia and ask her to throw it back to Monica when Alia see her next. I guess I had developed quite some resentment against Monica for having uninvitedly and recklessly taking over our relationship.. In fact, I did not know what had made Monica assume I wanted to ship the Land Rover back to Spain. As a matter of fact, I had absolutely no intention to do anything like that. However, I do not like to act impulsively and, on a second thought, I reckon one day I might regret my gesture of scorn towards Monica. If I put my resentment aside and thought reasonably, it did not seem unlikely one day Monica may be of help. It was then not worth it to indulge myself in the fleeting pleasure of throwing those papers back to Monica, but slid them in my pocket instead.
It was also one of those days that Alia and I talked about what she should take back home. I asked her if she wanted to take with her the souvenirs we had bought during our journey across Africa. Alia was however not very interested; she argued she had limited space and could only take so much. Long, long time afterwards I realized that eventually she changed her mind about it and ended up taking with her pretty much all the souvenirs and more.
It also stroke me how Alia came to me a few days before her departure to ask me to give her wedding ring back. It seems her wedding ring inconvenienced her while working on the car. She therefore had given it to me a couple of weeks earlier (before breaking up with me), so that I would keep it safe. As a matter of fact, I had actually reflected on the oddity that I found myself with both wedding rings in my hand, now that Alia had told me she was going to leave me. I had wondered what would happen with her wedding ring. It felt to me it was going to be a very good benchmark and test of Alia's state of mind and how she perceived her marriage. I knew Alia has always felt her marriage was a fundamental part of her life and her wedding ring was something far beyond a symbol. However, now that she had decided to leave me, because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, it only seemed logical she would not care for her wedding ring anymore, and would not ask to have it back. Yet, she did... and I am sure it was not because of its monetary value.
The following Monday, February 29th 2016, was the day Gary and Alia had planned they would finish putting back the gearbox and get the Land Rover back running. I had actually been worried about it all through the previous days, since Alia's flight was only two days later, so, if anything would go wrong, there would be barely any margin for any reaction. Gary and Andre approached me that morning at the workshop. Gary first explained to me he was going to get the car running later that day. Hence, I needed to find some other place where to stay, because, with the car finally fixed, Alia was going to take me to my new place, before leaving on Wednesday. Andre also wanted to make clear how annoyed he was with my presence at the workshop and how they needed me out of there by the time Alia would fly off. Andre also took the chance to rebuke me for being a "lazy asshole" and not treating Alia right. I patiently waited for Andre to finish with his stupid non-sense before starting my reply. However, when I began talking I must have said something to Andre's dislike; since he fretfully grabbed me by my shirt's neck with both hands, arguing that I should not interrupt him, because he had not finish speaking.
The whole incident left me really disturbed and upset. I need to admit I generally feel the utmost repulsion for this kind of cowards; who are always so flattery, until they perceive some weakness and then find it safe to take off their masks and fully expose the asshole they are inside. I wondered if Andre had any clue of all the crap Gary kept talking about him behind his back. As a matter of fact, they both kept a really tough competition for the title of biggest asshole around. It was for example really hard to discern who of the two was more racist or more hypocrite.
I went outside to check on the car and shortly later I found Alia. I told her about my argument with Gary and Andre, and started bitching about her new friends. Alia replied she was not going to say anything one way or the other; she was not going to side with anybody. Clearly, my problems were my problems and not hers anymore. I noticed Alia had a cigarette in her hand and was smoking again after six years. Without me ever saying a word about it, she had quit smoking right after our wedding to prove to herself she was worthy of me. Earlier that day I had also watched her standing next to Gary as he was chatting with Andre. She was there completely absorbed in fascination looking at Gary, trying hard to find something smart to say to impress him, but barely ever given the opportunity to intervene in the conversation between the men. It really broke my heart to witness to what extend she had lowered herself. She had betrayed all what we were and was only concerned with pleasing her master. It was particularly disappointing that she did not even know anymore who was really on her side. For example, while I had inspired her to get out of all drugs, all what Gary had to show off for her is putting her back on drugs. I reproached her for having forgotten who was really on her side and argued I could not believe she did not realize Gary did not care a thing for her. However, Alia was aware of that and knew the story would end in two days, when she would fly off. PowerBar Barbie was the nickname the guys at the workshop had given her, after she broke a thick metal bar they used as lug wrench. That was during our first days at the workshop, when Alia was still an ambitious, juicy prey to be conquered. But now that she had surrender, she was nothing. I therefore pointed out to her how now that PowerBar Barbie had broken down, she was ready to be discarded. Alia certainly did not appreciate my remark. She took a gasp of air, but then refrained from saying anything in return. Rather, turned around and left totally furious.
Alia's reply exhibiting her utmost disregard for my fate had a devastating effect on me. It was really hurtful to feel her betrayal. I could not believe that after all what we had shared, she would not stand by me, but would rather prefer some asshole womanizer who she had met one month earlier. We were still married, but clearly there was no emotional connection between us anymore. I was ready to assume she would get over Gary sooner or later; however, I was now going to need her to tell me she loves me. What I did not know well back then is that I better took a seat while waiting; because that was never going to happen. Having said that, however, it is also true I could have never expected all what was actually going to happen. Neither was I able to understand all what was going through Alia's mind.
When I now look back at it, I cannot help but to conclude that, while it had been basically impossible for anybody to make a good analysis of our marriage's crisis, I certainly failed to understand what had led to Alia's betrayal and breakdown, and what was the smartest strategy to resolve the crisis, if indeed I wanted to save our marriage. It is now clear to me I focused too much on my grievances against Alia and did not put instead enough energies thinking what is that I needed to do in order to save our wonderful relationship. In other words, from that day at Gary's workshop I started asking the wrong question: instead of asking myself what should I do in order to save our marriage, I started asking what will I need Alia to do in order to save our marriage. I have never been a jealous person and, therefore, have never needed Alia’s life to circle around me. I have always been convinced, that the day would come, where Alia would not passionately love me anymore; but, perhaps, just care and love me. I have always thought, at the very latest, the day Alia would have children, her center of gravity would definitely shift to them. Both, Alia and I, wanted to have children, so that shift was bound to happen. Nevertheless, Alia would still consider me an important asset to help her raise our children. However, one and a half months after first meeting Gary, it was not just that she did not love me anymore, but she did not care for our marriage either; or how was that blind guy (that she needed to drag around the supermarkets) going to help her raise her children. After ten days at Gary’s place, her brain had been completely wiped out; so that she did not remember who she was anymore, and all what she knew was that she was totally enamored with Gary. It was definitely a difficult one, but the key issue was that I failed to realize that Alia needed help; because it was not only that she was now a different person, but she had completely forgotten who we were. It seems to me it must have been something similar to what many patients experience, when they come out of a comma after a trauma: they can hardly remember anything and start filling in the gaps with whatever they are told. Alia needed help but all the people around her did not have her wellbeing among any of their priorities. Meanwhile, on the other side of the court, I was sitting waiting for her to come give me some explanation for what she had done to me.
A while later I spoke again with Alia. This time, however, she needed to tell me there seemed to be something wrong with the car; because it would not start. I asked her if they had any insight of what may be the problem; but Alia did not know. She just told me Gary was going to try a few things, but it did not look well. Somehow I had expected something like that. Half year traveling across Africa on an old Land Rover had taught me science does not apply to that kind of car. One week before, when Alia told me that she had already booked her flight, I got worried thinking something may not go as planned and they may not be able to get the Land Rover back running before Alia's departure. Given that I cannot drive, even if everything had worked well with the car, I was already troubled thinking how was I going to be able to move it after Alia had left. However, if the car did not even start, that opened up now a whole lot of very stressful scenarios; particularly after the incident with Gary and Andre earlier that morning. I was not quite sure if they would still want to force me out of the workshop, if the car was still broken down; but, even if that was not going to be the case, it really did not seem a very desireable idea. However, on the other hand, I really feared leaving the Land Rover unattended at the workshop, helplessly in Gary's hands, I certainly knew I could not trust him. As a matter of fact, Alia had told me a couple of weeks earlier, that Gary had admitted to her, that when he first met us, he had thought he would eventually remove and keep a very unique car part of our Land Rover Santana.
That hint had led me to consider to what extend it was purely accidental that the Land Rover would not start or Gary had something to do with it. All until now he had not asked us for any money. He had argued he did not work for the money, but for the joy of it. But it had now became clear that was because he had his eyes set on Alia; but now that Alia was gone... we were back to the more conventional scenario, that Gary was just one other car mechanic out for business. Hence, I had to reason and take my decisions accordingly.
Alia told me that from Gary's assessment, there were two possibilities. If we were lucky, it had been a problem while mounting the gearbox. In that case, a couple of thousands South African Rands (about $150) would suffice. However, the worst case scenario would require to take out again the gearbox. That would obviously be far more expensive and put us down many thousandrands (about R6,000 - R10,000).
It seemed to me, however, there were for me also two possible ways to read Gary’s dual quote. The first option was to believe he was being honest whereas the second option cautioned me that he may want to rib me off. Fact of the matter was that,at that time I knew he had lied several times already, so it only seemed reasonable to think he might as well lie again. In that case, the odds the second option was the correct one were fairly high and I needed to be wary Gary may now be on a plan to rib me off.
As a matter of fact, Gary’s dual quote had already put me on a state of alert. It seemed to me fairly likely he might be playing smart. He was an experienced mechanic and knew his business pretty well. He knew what he needed to say to win his customers confidence and sell his services. We all have this natural tendency before an uncertain future to wishful think and hope for the best. My guess was then that he had very cleverly raise the first, cheaper scenario to seduce me into gathering hopes for an easy fix, that would fool me into accepting his offer and give him the job. However, on the other hand, he had also made mention of the more costly possibility to deny me any chance to complain when the moment came that he would have to give me the bad news. ...Because, I better figure that out, I could be sure he would eventually come back saying that, unfortunately, the problem lied on the gearbox, he had to take it out and, consequently, the bill was for R10,000. Whether or not it was true that he really had to remove the gearbox, was something that I certainly would never have any way to find out, and he was very well aware of that. So, in order for me to be able to resolve the whole problem with a couple of thousand Rands, it was not only necessary that the mistake had been made while mounting the gearbox, but I also needed Gary to be honest and not lie about it. Now, the latter really seemed far fetched. Why was he going to settle down for R2000 when just a simple lie could make him R8000 more? I knew well the answer to that question was not that he would want to be honest or he would fell for me. In summary, if Gary was to repair the car, I could be sure it would cost me many thousands South African Rands.
The bad news for me were that at that point, with the car still broken down, Gary had me by the balls and I was very well aware of it. It became clear to me, even if they did not try to force me out of the workshop, I would better get as far as possible from Gary. The main problem was that I just could not see how was I going to be able to take the car with me. Well, first things first, so I first needed to find some new place where to go after Alia leaves, and then I could start thinking about the car. At that time we had been in Cape Town for almost two months already, so we knew quite some people I could think to ask for help. The approach I have usually taken in this kind of crisis has been to write a nice and detailed message and send it to the best hearts I Know in the area. I obviously thought of Roy and Debbie. Jill and Michael Backberg also seemed a good option. The Backbergs were the owners of a winery near Stellenbosch. We had been invited to the winery to meet them just a few weeks earlier. Simon (Jill and Michael’s son) had told us about his parents. He guessed we would want to meet them, since they were one of those many South African Land Rover enthausiasts and they had as well been overlanding with their Land Rover all across Africa and had eventually even made it to India and China. We then enjoyed with them one morning chatting and exchanging experiences. They gave us some info and tips, if we should eventually decide one day to go travel across India or China. Jill could not help to voice some long-kept regret for not having made it to Pakistan. It turned out Michael had quite some safety concerns about it. I then thought to tell them about my adventures in Mexico. Those stories are really intense; they show how uncertainty makes for the essence of adventures and, although it may get stressful, even frightening, sometimes, it is not necessarily always a good idea to give up altogether before the first unknown. The truth is that generally everything eventually turns out alright, because we all give out the best of ourselves when faced with somebody in need. Power is constantly trying to make us forget about it, but our eagerness to help is undoubtedly a fundamental part of our human nature. I think it is fair to say everybody truly enjoyed listening to those stories, but Jill got so impressed that she finally pointed out: "So you are the adventurous one! I guess you had come with me to Pakistan, hadn’t you?" I nodded without hesitation. That all, however, left Alia rather uncomfortable. Indeed, if I was the adventurous one, that automatically made of her the cautious one, and she certainly did not appreciate that. She therefore made sure to clarify: “Hey, don’t you think I am not adventurous as well! I would also go to Pakistan!”. I have thought of those words so many times over the last years; particularly since 2017, when Alia started complaining about the many travels I had, supposedly, put her through, and all the dangerous places I forced her to go, putting her health and safety in risk. I have wondered so many times how those ideas made it into Alia’s mind. But, most of all, it is so disappointing to think that not a single one of our friends (particularly those that came from her side) ever had the slightest concern to try to understand what caused her to so dramatically change her perception about her travels. I mean, for six years they listened to her, followed her on facebook, ‘liked’ her pictures and witnessed how much she liked to talk about and show off her journeys all over the world. But then they had no question or found no reason to care something may have gone wrong with her, that all of a sudden she started describing those very same really amazing trips to the Swiss Alps, the Greek Islands, the Norwegian Fjords, the Mayan Riviera, etc., etc. as some horrible torture I had put her through. It makes me wonder how deep were all those enthusiastic posts shouting the loudest affirmation and excitement for our awesome adventures and to what extent they really shared our love and happiness.
Fortunately,I did not have to wait long for Jill’s call. Her response was truly a God-sent: Jill and Michael realized I was in dire straits and felt for me. Jill explained I could come stay with them and she also asked me about the Land Rover. I really did not want to leave the car unattended at Gary’s workshop, but I understood it was now going to be quite difficult to do something about it. Not only I could not drive it, but now it was not even running. That, however, did not deter Jill. She believed we should bring the Land Rover to the farm and they would have somebody repair it over there. Jill told me she would make arrangements to have some tow truck bring the car to their place. It was a dream come true; I certainly could not ask for more. I was just so happy that my views about human nature could not have found a better time to be reaffirmed: I have long sustained we all love to help, as long as we perceive it makes sense. I am not sure that everybody has some good understanding of this. I also agree there are cases, where it really does not serve much purpose to help. But, other than that, we generally go far out of our way to help somebody in need. Most importantly, as long as we can make any sense of it and find some good purpose, we then feel the most intense gratification knowing we made some positive contribution on another person's life.
After talking with Jill I was feeling much more relieved. It really seemed everything would turned out alright. My only concern was that Jill and Michael may have underestimated all the help they were offering and, on a second thought, as they would become better aware, they may take their words back. Thinking logically, however, that did not seem likely to happen. The Backberg’s were a mature and sensible couple, and they certainly did not appear to me, as the kind of people who would act out of impulse (in fact, they argued they had been helped so many times during their travels, that now they saw the opportunity to give back). With this, however, I do not mean to say anything against young people. But I do think they get more easily carried away by passion. Then, in their best intention they promise far more than what is really in their hands. Until they crash against reality and they have to take back everything they said. The Backberg's certainly did not seem to fit into that characterization, so I had good reasons to feel hopeful.
Tuesday, March 1st 2016 was Alia's last day at Gary's workshop. I could have never imagined it back then, but eventually it also became the last time I saw Alia... It really breaks my heart to think about it now. It is true I got to meet her again in late 2018, but by that time my cornea had deteriorated to such degree, that I could not see her anymore. As a mattter of fact, I was not able to speak with her either, as she had completed the most profound and frightening metamorphosis, whereby she had been transformed into a totally different person who I could not recognize anymore.
Back then Alia seemed to be more aware of the relevancy of the day than me. Very soon it became clear it was to no avail to hope they would fix the car before Alia's departure. I do not think they even attempted anything. Alia appeared very conflicted and depressed. I am not sure if it was because of the car or because she felt the premonition that she was reaching the end of her marriage. Probably it was a bit a mix of both. I barely saw her throughout the day; I believe she spent most of the day laying down in Gary's Range Rover. I need to admit I did not pay much attention to her that last day. I had basically given up on her. I had got to accept that she was leaving the next day, so I better focus on how I was going to get out of all the mess I found myself into. I do remember thinking I may later regret not making better use of those last moments I could be with Alia; but back then it certainly sounded completely overdramatic to consider that after that day I was not going to see Alia ever again. Needless to say, as it turned out that way, now I certainly regret I did not take the chance to go talk with her, I did not go check on her and listen to her, I did not try to set up some basis from where we could later start working on finding some reconciliation... Basically, I did not try to do anything that could have brought some healing to our relationship, and I certainly feel now sorry about it. Having said that, however, it is also true that I am still rather sure that, like at any other time during our marriage, there was really nothing I could have ever done to change what was eventually going to happen. These feelings of resignation and despair often bring me back to the evening of our argument in Iona NP; that evening I was completely depressed, trying to understand why did I have to endure once again Alia's madness. I just could not believe that was happening to me. In all honesty, I just could not understand what was that I had done to deserve my wife being so stupid that, as we were stranded in the most remote place in Western Africa, all what she could think of was that she wanted her opportunity to fix the car. From the very beginning of our relationship, Alia always felt cursed and feared our marriage was doomed. I never understood those fears. However, today, when I think about it, I just cannot do anything but agree, that all the evidence shows our relationship was indeed doomed from the very beginning. How much does that torment me! Why?!! What have I done to deserve this? We were happy. We never harmed anybody. Why did they not let us happily live our lives?
Jill called me early in the afternoon to confirm, they were going to send some truck to come pick me and the Land Rover up on Wednesday, at 1pm. So it looked like I was on the right track to resolve the main problem that had been troubling my mind over the last couple of days. I thought, however, once Alia had left I was going to need some deeper knowledge about the car and our stuff, and, for that purpose, it would be good to ask her some questions. Alia definitely seemed better aware we were living our last minutes of our relationship and felt greatly disappointed, frustrated and annoyed that I could only think of using that time to talk about material stuff. It seemed like all along she had been hoping her husband would fight for her, show his love for her and do everything possible to save his marriage. She then could not believe I would not even try to lift a finger. Alia finally verbalized those feelings screaming at me: "you do not know how to treat somebody who is not doing well!!" While now I can understand where Alia was coming from, I also need to admit her complaint left me completely baffled. So, it turned out Alia was feeling really down and she considered it was then my obligation to be especially kind and sweet with her. I have since wondered many times if Alia ever spent a second thinking that perhaps I was not doing very well either, and, if so, did she ever consider whether she was really doing a better job than me, treating somebody that was not doing well?
One of the questions I asked Alia that last afternoon was about the car keys. I knew very well we had three copies; yet, she had only given me two. I asked her if she had any idea of what had happened with the third copy. She knew perfectly well, yet she hesitated for a minute. Then she finally conceded and pulled out the third copy. I have always felt really intrigued and have found it very relevant that she wanted to keep a copy of the Land Rover's keys and she would try to do so secretly. It is clear to me that Alia got really obsessed with the Land Rover and by no means did she want to let it go. I have never been able to make any sense of her reasoning (if there has ever been such): she was leaving Africa. By the most benign interpretation, she was abandoning the Land Rover. She was leaving me with the car broken down in what she would later discribe (in her own words) as: "an incredibly shitty situation with the car there in Cape Town." For goodness sake, eventually I lost the little eye-sight I had left and became blind trying to save the Land Rover!! ...And she has always been totally convinced she deserved to keep it.
Alia finally decided she had had enough of my stupid questions. We were living our very last minutes together and all what I could think of is to ask her about car parts and hardware stuff. So, she disappeared, probably to go lay down again in Gary's Range Rover. Shortly afterwards it was time for them to leave and go back home. That became the very last time I saw Alia. I am not sure if I got to say anything to her; but she certainly was not interested in engaging in any kind of conversation with me. I remember she getting into the car with Gary. Then, as they were driving away, she screamed at me from inside the car: "You figure it out yourself!" Those were Alia's last words to me; those were Alia's goodby words to me from Africa.
I later learned that evening was actually very difficult for Alia. Gary eventually told me she spent that last evening crying in her bedroom. Every now and then Monica would go check on her and try to comfort her; but it would not be long before she would start crying again. I can tell Alia was feeling really sad. I can also remember that last evening alone at the workshop; it was also really sad for me. Although I could not imagine I was not going to be able to see Alia ever again, I did have some fair understanding it would take a while before we meet again. It was then leaving me in some rather sour feelings to consider the memories of our last moments together would be characterized by my stupid questions and Alia's screams.
That evening painted the darkest side of human nature. Just two months earlier Alia and I had arrived to Cape Town totally euphoric and triumphant. Now, as we were ready to leave, we were completely destroyed and heartbroken: It was the toll life made us pay for Gary's contentment and delight. He could now celebrate that at his age, close to 60 years old, he had just proven he was still able to conquer and break down a young, white, blond, blue-eyed "American SeÑorita". Although, I think that evening he was actually rather annoyed with Alia's irrational and graceless mood. It turned out devouring Alia did not produce that much enjoyment or gratification to Gary. As awkward as it may feel, Gary's triumph did not quite make him any happier after all. Yet, it certainly forever crippled our lives. It is truly heartbraking to see to what extent we generally are completely clueless about what is that really makes us happy. We then go crazy and put the world upside-down to accomplish some stupid goal, that actually does not do much for us, but certainly has a devastating effect on other people's lives.
Shortly before sunset Alia sent me a text message. Prior to finally getting fed up with my questions, she had assured me she would find out for me the information on a mechanics store in Stellenbosch, where we had bought a part for our Land Rover's Perkins engine during our very first days in Cape Town. For whatever the reasons, her subsequent indignation did not make her change her mind; rather, she kept her word. I then took the chance to write her back to thank her for the information, wish her a good flight back home and tell her I felt sorry we did not find any better way to say goodbye. Shortly afterwards Alia also replied succinctly advising me to "take care of myself". I took it to mean she realized she was leaving me in dire straits and, while she wished me the best, there was nothing else she could do for me. Then, rather than worrying about her, I should focus on doing my best in getting out of the mess where I was in. But more than anything, I understood in her words her very own acknowledgement, that she shared with me that last night in Africa the same feelings of sadness and regret.
On March 2nd, 2016 Alia left Africa and flew back to the U.S.
Alia was a beautiful child, who just wanted to be happy. I think she liked birds so much, because she felt like one: a bird who wanted to fly like any other bird. A bird who wanted to fly with everybody else. And she flew. She had to fight for it, but she fought fiercely, and, of course, she triumphed. She flew and she flew higher than anybody else, because she excelled in anything she tried.
She could do anything and she would excel at it. I was blessed to know it and fly with her. She only needed space to extend her talent. She traveled to all five continents and she was always eager to grow and absorbed something from all the cultures she met. She loved to learn to cook dishes from all over the world. When English could not get her far enough, she learned to speak Spanish, and she was starting to learn German and French. When our Land Rover could not do it anymore, she would figure out how to fix it. She had study forestry, but when she concluded the BLM was too small for her dreams, she started a new career sawing and doing art. She did not have to worry about the money; because we never allowed money to get in the way of our dreams. One day, five years ago, as she was flying across South Africa, some self-loving asshole threw a rock at her. He wanted to proove he could still hit her and shut her down, no matter how high she was flying. I saw him, but I did not worry: as high as she was flying, nobody would ever be able to get her. I will never hate myself enough for being wrong that one time. Indded Alia got hit, fell and collapsed against the ground. Before she could open her eyes and realize what had happened, those that always have said to love her the most, came over running to cut her wings, so that she will not try to fly away ever again.
From "When A Man Loves A Woman" - Chapter 13.
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